April 2007
The new cricket season is about to start, and to be honest I’m petrified. Not about scoring runs for Surrey – that’s the least of my problems – but by all this female attention I seem to be attracting.
Up until the end of last season I could walk around un-noticed – it didn’t matter if I forgot to do up my flies, picked my nose in the car, etc., but not now. For twenty years the only attention I’ve attracted was the odd autograph request from cricket-mad young boys; sometimes I’d be collared by some old codger with a theory on why I didn’t quite cut it for England – oh , and once I was mistaken for Antonio Banderas when I was in Argos.
That’s all changed now. I can hardly walk down to the newsagents to buy the paper without women nudging each other and grinning at me. It’s un-nerving - one even fainted the other day when I bent down to tie my shoelaces and some bloke yelled “’ere Ramps – she wants mouth to mouth!” Darren Gough told me that I should pretend to be on my mobile phone so people won’t come up and talk to me but I was rumbled when I tried that on the tube - I forgot there’s no service and was having a pretend conversation with my Mum when I realised the whole carriage was sniggering.
When I do the school run I’ve noticed that all the mums have started wearing make-up and keep asking me what I think about Freddie Flintstone and Paul Bollywood – I’m dreading what they’ll ask me to do for the next school fundraiser. Hopefully I’ll be playing cricket that day – I’ll just curl up and die if they make me go in the kissing booth.
As for going to the gym, it’s turning into a nightmare - did I mention that I found a strange woman in my locker last week? I don’t know what she’d been doing, but my pants went missing that day and I’ve had to send my wife to buy new ones – I daren’t go myself, as within minutes of me leaving M&S the fact that I like their plain low-rise jersey trunks (size medium) will be all over the internet. I’ve had to throw my speedos away too and get some baggy swimmers – women just kept STARING at me at the pool and it really put me off my stroke.
I had no idea this would happen when I rashly agreed to take part in Strictly Come Dancing last autumn. I only said yes because my wife Van didn’t want me hanging around the house all depressed during the Ashes. It was fantastic to meet Bruce Forsyth, but I’m beginning to wonder if getting him to record “nice to hear you, to hear you nice” as my voicemail message is going to be worth all the aggro.
Right, I’m just off to get the car out to drive to the Oval. I’m not going on the tube today because signing all those autographs makes my arm ache and it’s bound to affect my batting. I’m going to spend a fortune on petrol this season, but on the bright side I might be able to get enough Nectar points to install my own home gym.
Tuesday, 17 April 2007
Monday, 16 April 2007
FIND YOURSELF A TEAM TO SUPPORT.....(PART 2)
As promised, here is Part 2 of Short Legs and Silly Points guide to the new county season.
GLAMORGAN
(would like to be known as Wales)
Yachi da, boyos! The land of Max Bygraves, Tom Jones, Shirley Bassey and Catherine Zeeetaaa Jones does actually play cricket, and horror of horrors some of their number have actually played cricket for England (well they are part of the England and Wales Cricket Board) as well as that mighty cricketing nation Bermuda. Having enjoyed some success in the late nineties (they won the county championship in 1997) and some one day success in the early naughties, the recent redevelopment of their ground in Cardiff has left the team a bit strapped for cash, and short of success. In fact they appear to be so broke that the clubs fans have had to break into their piggy-banks to pay for an overseas player (that’s overseas Australia, not overseas England).
One Day and Twenty20 Nickname: Glamorgan Dragons. Finally a name that actually makes sense!
Cricket Rating: 3/10 (but that’s only because Simon Jones will be available for the first part of the season): Second Division in both the Championship and Pro40, even with the return of Simon Jones from injury, I can’t see them achieving promotion in either league.
Totty Rating: 9/10 for Simon Jones (see below). The rest of the team earn a 3/10.
GLAMORGAN
(would like to be known as Wales)
Yachi da, boyos! The land of Max Bygraves, Tom Jones, Shirley Bassey and Catherine Zeeetaaa Jones does actually play cricket, and horror of horrors some of their number have actually played cricket for England (well they are part of the England and Wales Cricket Board) as well as that mighty cricketing nation Bermuda. Having enjoyed some success in the late nineties (they won the county championship in 1997) and some one day success in the early naughties, the recent redevelopment of their ground in Cardiff has left the team a bit strapped for cash, and short of success. In fact they appear to be so broke that the clubs fans have had to break into their piggy-banks to pay for an overseas player (that’s overseas Australia, not overseas England).
One Day and Twenty20 Nickname: Glamorgan Dragons. Finally a name that actually makes sense!
Cricket Rating: 3/10 (but that’s only because Simon Jones will be available for the first part of the season): Second Division in both the Championship and Pro40, even with the return of Simon Jones from injury, I can’t see them achieving promotion in either league.
Totty Rating: 9/10 for Simon Jones (see below). The rest of the team earn a 3/10.
More Information
GLOUCESTERSHIRE
The only famous things I can think of from Gloucestershire are cheese, the Cheltenham Festival, a rugby team and a pig. So I’ll stick to cricket in this bit. Former kings of the knock out competitions, Gloucestershire have struggled in recent times to repeat their success.
One Day and Twenty20 Nickname: Gloucestershire Gladiators. I’m waiting for Russell Crowe to make an appearance.
Cricket Rating: 3/10. I don’t think they will be promoted in the championship and may struggle in the one day stuff due to the loss of some experienced players.
Totty Rating: 2/10. Only decent looker I can find is Kadeer Ali (excuse the windswept look). However Hamish Marshall does have groovy hair!
GLOUCESTERSHIRE
The only famous things I can think of from Gloucestershire are cheese, the Cheltenham Festival, a rugby team and a pig. So I’ll stick to cricket in this bit. Former kings of the knock out competitions, Gloucestershire have struggled in recent times to repeat their success.
One Day and Twenty20 Nickname: Gloucestershire Gladiators. I’m waiting for Russell Crowe to make an appearance.
Cricket Rating: 3/10. I don’t think they will be promoted in the championship and may struggle in the one day stuff due to the loss of some experienced players.
Totty Rating: 2/10. Only decent looker I can find is Kadeer Ali (excuse the windswept look). However Hamish Marshall does have groovy hair!
HAMPSHIRE
Famous for lots of coastally, farmy type things, a few posh boarding schools and a couple of rubbish football teams, it's a good thing it's cricket team are pretty good! Home to serial 'Text Pest' Shane Warne and England's (and currently the worlds) best one day batsman Kevin Pietersen, they could be in with a shout in all competitions.
One Day and Twenty20 Nickname: Hampshire Hawks. Don't ask, I don't know.
Cricket Rating: 7/10. As mentioned above TP Warne, may be a letch, but he's a fine bowler with an outstanding cricket brain (shame about the rest). Kevin Pietersen may be lucky to play more than 5 games for Hampshire, but in previous seasons they have shown they can cope without him. Could be a close run thing in the First Division of the Championship.
Totty Rating: 7/10. Hampshire have a couple of players who don't mind taking their kit off! Witness below, Chris Tremlett and Kevin Pietersen.
Part 3 is, well, a work in progress!
Sunday, 15 April 2007
FIND YOURSELF A TEAM TO SUPPORT…. (PART 1)
The English County season is upon us, which means the discerning readers of this blog should find a team to support to make the summer seem a bit more interesting. To help you out, Short Legs and Silly Points is providing a guide to each county side:
DERBYSHIRE
The landlocked county famous for producing that icon of sailing Ellen Macarthur has a cricket team. Unfortunately for a while they were the perennial wooden spooners of the domestic competitions, but a new coach and an emphasis on youth has seen them improve slightly, however they are still in the second division of both competitions.
One Day and Twenty20 Nickname: Derbyshire Phantoms. Didn’t know there were any phantoms in Derbyshire.
Cricket Rating: 4/10. They are improving but not enough to see them promoted out of both divisions. Their main success may come in the one day competitions.
Totty Rating: 2/10. The only real looker in the side is Chris Taylor . The rest are ordinary at best.
(More Information)
DERBYSHIRE
The landlocked county famous for producing that icon of sailing Ellen Macarthur has a cricket team. Unfortunately for a while they were the perennial wooden spooners of the domestic competitions, but a new coach and an emphasis on youth has seen them improve slightly, however they are still in the second division of both competitions.
One Day and Twenty20 Nickname: Derbyshire Phantoms. Didn’t know there were any phantoms in Derbyshire.
Cricket Rating: 4/10. They are improving but not enough to see them promoted out of both divisions. Their main success may come in the one day competitions.
Totty Rating: 2/10. The only real looker in the side is Chris Taylor . The rest are ordinary at best.
(More Information)
DURHAM
First class cricket’s youngest team is also the side nearest Scotland. But we won’t hold that against them. Steve ‘Homesick’ Harmison, Paul Collingwood MBE and Liam Plunkett are the recent augmentees of the international side (England not Scotland), however Harmison’s homesickness and appalling form during the Ashes may lead to him playing more games for Durham than he would like. Still candidates for the drop though.
One Day and Twenty20 Nickname: Durham Dynamos. Eh?
Cricket Rating: 4/10 (5/10 if Collingwood plays more than 5 game for them this season). First Division in the Championship, Second Division in the one day stuff. Harmison needs to bowl straight (and not at second slip like he did in Australia) and take wickets if they are going to stay up.
Totty Rating: 4/10. A couple of lookers (Garry Scott, Paul Collingwood, Mark Davies), but this is counterbalanced by Neil Killeen.
(More Information)
First class cricket’s youngest team is also the side nearest Scotland. But we won’t hold that against them. Steve ‘Homesick’ Harmison, Paul Collingwood MBE and Liam Plunkett are the recent augmentees of the international side (England not Scotland), however Harmison’s homesickness and appalling form during the Ashes may lead to him playing more games for Durham than he would like. Still candidates for the drop though.
One Day and Twenty20 Nickname: Durham Dynamos. Eh?
Cricket Rating: 4/10 (5/10 if Collingwood plays more than 5 game for them this season). First Division in the Championship, Second Division in the one day stuff. Harmison needs to bowl straight (and not at second slip like he did in Australia) and take wickets if they are going to stay up.
Totty Rating: 4/10. A couple of lookers (Garry Scott, Paul Collingwood, Mark Davies), but this is counterbalanced by Neil Killeen.
(More Information)
ESSEX
The Ford Fiesta driving, White Stiletto wearing side of the country. One day kings (of sorts) having won the Pro40 division last year, but missed out on promotion in the county championship. Ravi ‘Rudeboy’ Bopara will no doubt miss a chunk of the season as England have seen fit to pick him, and former King of the Ballroom, Darren Gough has gone back to ‘Gods’ country, but a couple of shrewd overseas signings should see them right.
One Day and Twenty20 Nickname: Essex Eagles. I’ve seen seagulls and pigeons in Essex, but never an eagle. Who thinks of these names?
Cricket Rating: 5/10 (7/10 in One Day competitions). Strong in One Day cricket even with the loss of a couple of players, but may struggle to get promoted in the championship.
Totty Rating: 4/10. Essex is 'rudeboy' land (see Ravi Bopara), however there are a couple of players who redeem the side: Alistair Cook, James Foster and Ryan ten Doeschate.
(More Information)
Part 2 of the sweeping generalisation guide will follow tomorrow. If I’ve missed anyone out in the totty rating, or you don’t agree, then leave a comment.
The Ford Fiesta driving, White Stiletto wearing side of the country. One day kings (of sorts) having won the Pro40 division last year, but missed out on promotion in the county championship. Ravi ‘Rudeboy’ Bopara will no doubt miss a chunk of the season as England have seen fit to pick him, and former King of the Ballroom, Darren Gough has gone back to ‘Gods’ country, but a couple of shrewd overseas signings should see them right.
One Day and Twenty20 Nickname: Essex Eagles. I’ve seen seagulls and pigeons in Essex, but never an eagle. Who thinks of these names?
Cricket Rating: 5/10 (7/10 in One Day competitions). Strong in One Day cricket even with the loss of a couple of players, but may struggle to get promoted in the championship.
Totty Rating: 4/10. Essex is 'rudeboy' land (see Ravi Bopara), however there are a couple of players who redeem the side: Alistair Cook, James Foster and Ryan ten Doeschate.
(More Information)
Part 2 of the sweeping generalisation guide will follow tomorrow. If I’ve missed anyone out in the totty rating, or you don’t agree, then leave a comment.
Saturday, 14 April 2007
A is for....
AUSTRALIAFamous for Neighbours, Home and Away and Skippy The Bush Kangaroo, Australia also have a pretty handy cricket team. When I say handy, what I really mean is that they are pretty awesome having dominated World Cricket for most of the Nineties and Naughties. The one (main) blip on the radar being losing the Ashes (see below) in 2005. However they totally tonked (technical term this) England in 2006 to win them back. Some of the greatest players ever have worn the 'Baggy Green' cap (so called as the cap is, um, baggy and, er, green), including Steve 'Tugga' Waugh, Allan 'AB' Border, Shane 'Warney' Warne (imaginative nicknames aren't they?). As well as being one of the best teams in the world Australia are also famous for being 'expert' sledgers (see the unwritten 'S is for...' post for further explanation). Useful phrases when confronted with an Australian cricket fan are: 'Who will replace Shane Warne and Glenn McGrath?', 'Why doesn't Nathan Bracken get a haircut?' and 'Aren't your team getting on a bit?'
THE ASHES
A biannual test series (again see unwritten 'T is for....' for full explanation) played between England and Australia. Also known as 'torture' if you are an England fan, as watching said series can lead to getting your hopes up, only to watch them being destroyed slowly and painfully over an 8 week period. The Urn (shown left) is at the centre of an ugly custody battle between the MCC and Australian type people who would like to take it away from the spiritual home of cricket, Lords, to some museum in the outback. Winning The Ashes (particularly if you were English in 2005) can lead to a lot of bandwagon jumping (see Richard Branson or Tony Blair) and naff commercial opportunities for player and spouse (Mr and Mrs Flintoff). Do say: 'If we can compete than we have a chance (especially if you are English). Don't say: Australia should keep the Ashes Urn (see above) in Australia.
Morning Everyone!
OK, OK, before you start to leave pedantic comments about my initial post not being 'date stamped' as 9.30 am, let me remind you. It's always morning somewhere in the world!
Now that I've got that out of the way, time to explain what this blog and I are all about.
I (The Caped One) am a woman, not just any woman but one who likes CRICKET! And not just one who likes cricket, but one who knows a bit about it as well. Shocked huh? Well prepare to pick your jaws up from the floor and read on.
Short Legs and Silly Points is a blog aimed at those who don't know an awful lot about the game and would like a gentle, alternative introduction to cricket. Not an introduction that involves boring lectures on PowerPlays and LBW's and the state of English cricket but one that involves haircare tips from Lasith Malinga and diet tips from Dwayne Leverock . It's not for the aficionados who own every Wisden dated from 1874 to the present day nor is it for those who want to have a serious discussion on cricket issues. If you want that, go and read a proper cricket writer like Christopher Martin Jenkins. This is for the casual observer who wants a laugh and doesn't take it too seriously or those who have suddenly discovered that the fit bloke who won Strictly Come Dancing plays cricket for a living!
Now that I've got that out of the way, time to explain what this blog and I are all about.
I (The Caped One) am a woman, not just any woman but one who likes CRICKET! And not just one who likes cricket, but one who knows a bit about it as well. Shocked huh? Well prepare to pick your jaws up from the floor and read on.
Short Legs and Silly Points is a blog aimed at those who don't know an awful lot about the game and would like a gentle, alternative introduction to cricket. Not an introduction that involves boring lectures on PowerPlays and LBW's and the state of English cricket but one that involves haircare tips from Lasith Malinga and diet tips from Dwayne Leverock . It's not for the aficionados who own every Wisden dated from 1874 to the present day nor is it for those who want to have a serious discussion on cricket issues. If you want that, go and read a proper cricket writer like Christopher Martin Jenkins. This is for the casual observer who wants a laugh and doesn't take it too seriously or those who have suddenly discovered that the fit bloke who won Strictly Come Dancing plays cricket for a living!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)